Snowed Under
by fantafizz
Summary: Hermione writes a letter to her ex after a bad relationship. Songfic set to Snowed Under by Keane.


**AN: This just came to me after a similar experience of mine combined with listening to Keane too much. The song is Snowed Under by Keane, its beautiful check it out. Characters also don't belong to me of course. Hope you like it and please leave a review, much love.

* * *

**

_There's a cold voice on the air,_

_You've been looking everywhere,_

_Someone to understand your hopes and fears,_

_Well ive thought about that for many a long years._

I woke, memories of the past month flooding back in a painful wave of emotions. The hurt fades as it does every morning since, but theres still the dull ache in the bottom of my chest, it's the only place for it, ive no one to spill all the pent up emotion to, except him. Its been him all along. I wish things had been different between us I really do and looking back I can see where I went wrong and what I could've done to make everything okay. In the beginning it was good. Starting off as friends, we were on the right foot. We got closer, those winter evenings gave us a shove in the right direction. He made me laugh and I was helpless. When people warn you against 'bad' guys you think yeah yeah im not stupid I can look after myself. You see the hurt in other peoples faces when they get to the end of the line with their bad guy and you look and think its not going to happen to me, ive got the right head on my shoulders. Then before its too late you're under his spell. I did everything I could to be close to him even though we'd openly talked about his previous girlfriends and I'd laughed about how he'd treated them badly. He was what I'd wished for, the right fashion sense, the right looks, not too shabby but not too much of a fashion follower. When he was nice he was lovely, it was all I thought about, all I needed. Then that summer things changed. I could easily have said that was the worst weekend of my life, but being away with him was a blessing and I made myself think positive. The punching began, at first playful gradually shifting to not so playful, bruises appeared and were hidden before he could see. Pain is weakness I thought, unwilling to risk it and voice the opinions rising in my mind. The bruises turned to an ache pushed to the back of my mind while his comments stung. I was so lost, away from friends I couldn't think about whether it was right, or whether I was being a pushover. I could almost imagine their voices telling me that no guy is worth the pain but I seriously doubted whether he was. I'd been hoping for someone that was perfect, the way he seemed to be, and was overcome with thoughts and daydreams of what could be for us, late nights and long walks in the park, cuddled up to a film or out at a party. What hurt the most was that you didn't look, or even try to see.

_So i walk through Manser's shaw_

_I dont see you anymore_

_We love to think about the way things were, _

_But the time has come and im glad its over._

Now weeks on, it still hurts, I can recall it all, the good times we spent joking around like we had all our lives to waste. Then the hurt that came as I realized he wasn't what he appeared, not what it said on the tin. Gradually change is coming, I can see it looming on the horizon like the hesitant winter sun. I think of him less, the comments seem petty and the tears wasted. The time spent crying was useless now, I couldn't get it back but it built a hard shell around me, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I remember you always thought that was a silly saying, now I can see that you never accept any mistakes so can't learn from them rendering that saying inapplicable to you. If only I'd been aware of the real you.

_I dont know why i waste my time, _

_Getting hung up about the things you say _

_When I open my eyes and its a lovely day,_

_You know sometimes I feel like I'm getting snowded under with the things you say,_

_When I open my eyes and its a lovely day._

The friends I kept were invaluable, keeping me strong and going on. The turning point hit me like a brick wall. That fated weekend, spent in that roomy tent, I remember I was still astounded at what magic could achieve, you just humoured me slightly. We had dragged our rucksacks through the canvas folds after a day of stepping in and out of grates to reach The Wand Festival, the first wizarding music festival. As we bumped through crowds of buzzing people, we saw people from Hogwarts who seemed as frantic to get set up as we were as we exchanged a hurried wave and hi. The patch of grass we chose, under a tree for recognition, was to be home, anticipation rose like a bubbling spring and I was loving the feeling of it. Setting up was left to you, a typical man when asked if help is needed says no no im fine, as if you're doubting his manly skills, but moans and complains that a bit of help would be appreciated. We wondered after that, exploring stalls and the rest of the campsite while we waited for the arena to open. Stalls, selling clothing, the latest dark magic detectors and many odd things enchanting witches who dragged unwilling men behind them to spend their galleons. The music was great, I was having the time of my life, if a little held back by you not being quite as enthusiastic. I couldn't help the way you felt, the claims of me being so annoying sent shivers down my spine, setting tears off gently lulling me to sleep. Apparently it wasn't good enough I was sorry, I always knew violence wasn't the answer but I didn't think it would be you that I would have to explain the hurt to. First the jokey punches, then the thumps to wake me up, kicks to stop a good nights sleep settling in. I was continually thankful that it was sunny, sunglasses became my shield. You never liked them, 'I can't read your expression in those glasses', the only answer I could give you was 'good, you don't want to'. Sadness turned into anger, the best way I could express myself. It didn't matter that I out witted you each time, the thought that someone two years younger was cleverer than you hit home and irritated you more, the hitting got worse. The only thought that kept me going was that I was going home in a couple of days, I spent longer on trips to collect water, or to visit the toilet, even making some lame excuse about seeing a distant relative I just happened to bump into all just to separate myself from you longer.

_Now you think that you're alone,_

_So you make your way back home_

_Id love to greet the weary travel,_

_But your time has gone and im glad its over_

I received no messages from you once we had gone our separate ways. Withdrawal symptoms from the constant owls and shoulder to lean on were hitting me hard, I had nobody to turn to, all my friends had left on exotic holidays and I was stuck in the UK for another holiday. I tried to contact you, I even put an apology out to hang loosely in the air. I had even expected a return apology as was custom after our arguments, the arguments then the making up, but deep down I knew it was the end, that the physicality of his actions had meant more than his obvious need to vent his frustrations. Its sad that you had spread rumours when we returned to school, it was pathetic and childish especially coming from someone two years older. They were obviously made up as everyone knows I was the geek, the good girl, you trying to mar that image was unnecessary and unbelieved by many. Its always awkward seeing you in Hogwarts corridors, the looks we often share confuse me, like you are still fascinated by what I do but hate the thought of wanting to talk me again and it breaks my heart every time. I truly am sorry for the drunk owls, I needed an escape, one which a new group of friends provided, it's a shame that one of your past letters was out on my desk so when I sat down, it was you I wrote to. I'm still ashamed to say I cannot recall most of what I wrote to you, I can only recall flashes, like 'fucking waste of time' 'wished I'd never met you, never liked you' and I don't want to take them back though, you deserved to know what I felt. I was a pushover and I just did what you wanted to keep you happy.

_I dont know why i waste my time_

_Getting hung up about the things you say _

_When I open my eyes and its a lovely day,_

_You know sometimes I feel like I'm getting snowded under with the things you say_

_When I open my eyes and its a lovely day_

But I still know deep down that I will always love you, I can destroy every letter and erase the memories but seeing you again stirs it all back up again and I'm completely, hopelessly and utterly devoted to you.

My Love Always, Hermione.


End file.
